A funny poem

A funny poem I came across today: 


Anything, I'll do anything-
Temperature charts, Tes-Tape, Litmus paper;
Abstinence to maximize sperm count;
Lying on my back with a pillow under my behind and
my legs up like a beetle; 
Vitamin A, Vitamin E, Zinc; 
Anything I'll do ANYTHING;
But please-oh please, 
Just don't ask me to "just relax."

CD3 - Testing, testing!

Well as I thought last cycle was a bust. AF showed her nasty head a few days ago. I was disappointed but can't say I was too surprised because I just KNEW it wasn't our cycle. It was a combination of things.....the egg being so big (over mature), the egg releasing from my right side (Both times I was pregnant it was my left side), having the Ureaplasma infection come back, among many other things. I had my cry the day AF showed up, but I got over it pretty quickly and I'm now looking forward to this cycle.


I'm heading into the Fertility Clinic today for my cycle day 3 testing-an ultrasound and blood work. We'll see how many follicles have started growing and how my lining is. I'll also start the Femara tonight and take it for 5 days. Hopefully I get a nice, big, healthy eggie on the left side this time!!

10 DPO

Well, it looks (like I thought) that this cycle is a bust. I feel very PMS-y and I got a negative pregnancy test yesterday. As the ladies say on my forum, you're not out until ugly AF shows her face....but I really don't think this is the cycle. I feel nothing like my other two pregnancy cycles. I really tried not to get my hopes up, but it's impossible not to. I'm going to be crushed when AF shows. Oh well, part of the process.


We want to go ahead and do another cycle on the Femara but we're not sure how it will work out with Christmas (I would most likely be O'ing around Christmastime). We'll have to talk to the clinic and see what they suggest.


That's it for me. Just waiting. 

3DPO

I've been meaning to write a post for quite a while now, but life always seemed to get in the way. I apologize to those who have been waiting for a new post!


Today I would have been 20 weeks and I've been doing a lot of reflecting and reminiscing. I would have been halfway through my pregnancy. Yet everything is different now. Although I still have my bad days (yesterday was one, I spent most of the day in bed) I feel a sense of hope too. I know we will have a child eventually, whether it's through myself, a surrogate or adoption; I feel like we were meant to be parents. I just really, really hope I never have to go through another miscarriage; I don't think I'm strong enough for that.


I'm now 3DPO (days past ovulation) and I'm in the anxious 2WW wait. I took my Femara and produced one large follicle (2.7 when last measured) but I wasn't ovulating on my own. So I had to get the trigger shot. Not fun. For those who don't know, it's a shot into your belly (just below your bellybutton) that triggers you to ovulate. I got the shot last Saturday morning and believe I ovulated late Sunday night (based on the pain and cramping). The annoying thing about the trigger shot is that it contains hCG (pregnancy hormone) so if I test to see if I am pregnant I'll get a false positive. That means I have to wait until next Saturday (if AF doesn't come first) to go in for a pregnancy test (blood test). Since every body is different, they don't know for sure when the hCG will leave my body, therefore I can't be sure if I have a true positive pregnancy test or not. If you know me in person, I'm not the most patient person in the world, and waiting for either AF or a pregnancy test is BRUTAL for me!


I don't feel this is our cycle. Too many things have happened. I've had a UTI, Hubby and I both had to get treated (again) for Ureaplasma infections, I found out I have a slow thyroid and was put on medication.....and that's just a few things going on right now. Even though I got a large follicle and ovulated, it just doesn't feel right. I'm OK with that though, it's only our first cycle trying after the D&C. I would love to be pregnant for Christmas-most people have no idea how hard it is for people TTC through the holidays; there are children and babies everywhere. If I'm not pregnant though, I'm going to do my best to work through it and concentrate on the next cycle. It's just exhausting, going to the FC every other day......but I am thankful have been able to get pregnant in the first place. 


For those who are praying for us and keeping their fingers crossed, please continue to do so. I feel supported by my amazing husband, family and friends, and for that I am truly grateful. 

Femara and Follies

I'm back at the Fertility Clinic. I started Femara on CD3 and went in for an ultrasound and blood work yesterday. I have a bunch of follicles growing, the two biggest being 1.2 and 1.4 on my right side. I go for another ultrasound and more blood work tomorrow, so we'll see how much they've grown. I'm hoping to O this weekend; that would be awesome. The RE raised my Femara from 5mg to 7.5mg and I've noticed a lot of aching and pain in my ovaries. Hopefully that means I'll get at least one good egg. I'll update after my u/s and b/w tomorrow. 


I'm still working through things with my therapist. I wrote a letter to Ike today and had a good long cry. I would have been 19 weeks today. I didn't realize how angry I still am. I do feel "cleansed" (for lack of a better word) after writing to Ike. I'm going to put the letter away with the rest of the baby stuff we have (I keep receiving things I signed up for, like free formula and coupons, *sigh*). I hope someday soon we'll be able to open the box with my maternity clothes, our coupons/free stuff, and the teddy bear my Mom bought for Ike. 


I keep telling myself we'll get to open that box again. Eventually. 

Thoughts and Feelings

It's been a while since I've posted. I've felt all sorts of emotions in the last week-sadness, despair, frustration, anger, and even happiness and joy. I started therapy yesterday and my therapist helped me realize I'm much too hard on myself and that I need "let go" of my baby "schedule" and just go with the flow. I always wanted to be pregnant by the time I was 25; even if we got pregnant today I would miss that "milestone". I think I'm OK with that now. I realize that all I really need and want is a healthy baby. 


I also need to let go of my anger towards my body for the miscarriage. I don't believe in "it wasn't the right time"....I think that's bull. However, I need to accept that my body just wasn't ready for that baby then. I know it's going to take a while to overcome that hurdle and way of thinking, but I'm going to work on it. 


Physically, I got my AF, which is AWESOME. I feel almost back to "normal". I go into the Fertility Clinic tomorrow to start my cycle monitoring (an ultrasound and blood work) and although I'm frustrated to be back at square one, I'm happy I have the chance to start again. Waiting for AF to arrive was brutal-I felt like I was in limbo. 


I keep thinking about Christmas and how much I would have enjoyed it being pregnant. I'm not a drinker to begin with, so having a glass of wine isn't really a good substitute. However I'm trying to look forward to seeing family; good food and lots of love. I've realized in the last month how lucky I truly am. I have an amazing husband, awesome family and friends and even people I hardly know have stepped up and offered support and their love. I couldn't ask for more.


We will get through this. And it will make us stronger in the end, I truly believe that. DH and I have been through a lot in our time together and everything has made us stronger as a couple, and brought us closer together. I would give almost anything to have Ike back, but since I can't, I can appreciate the joy I felt when I was pregnant and hope that it happens again soon. In the meantime, I'll be spending time with my awesome support network. 

17 Weeks

Today I would have been 17 weeks. I would have a big, growing belly and I'd be SO happy. 


Instead I'm meeting with the Fertility Clinic tonight to discuss our options for my next cycle and to have a Pap. I'm sitting here crying instead of being out enjoying life and my pregnancy. 


Sometimes life just sucks. 

Angel Baby Poem

A poem I came across online: 


To the baby that I carried
But never seen your eyes
Or tell you how much I loved you
Or ever to hear your cries.

You will never be forgotten
The excitement we had for your coming.
When I realized I'd never hold you,
The feeling I had was numbing.
My angel baby is who you are.
My angel baby you'll always be.
Your loving memory will live in my heart
So you will always be right here with me.

-Lori Jager 

Quick Update

Just a quick update. 


I had an ultrasound and blood work done on Friday to find out if all the retained tissue is gone and to make sure my betas are back to zero. I should (hopefully) get the results tomorrow (Monday). I'll post when I get the results. 


Tomorrow I have an appointment with my GP to discuss how things are going and to talk about getting tested for blood clotting disorders. I also have to go to my Fertility Clinic to get swabbed (oh yay) for bacteria in my uterus/cervix. Before my first miscarriage hubby and I were both treated for a very common bacteria that can be passed back and forth and the clinic wants to make sure it is really gone/treated. It can cause miscarriages so it's important that we don't have it. 


I spent the weekend sleeping, this lack of vitamin D3 is brutal. I'm exhausted all the time. I hope the extra vitamins kick in soon. 


That's about it for me. Not a very inspiring post, but I'll work on one in the next couple days. 

3 weeks

Three weeks ago I had surgery and lost my baby. 


I thought this grieving process would get easier, but it's getting harder and harder. I keep wishing I could have said "goodbye" and  "I love you". I wish I could have had a funeral and buried my baby instead of just having it taken away from me at the hospital. I struggle with those thoughts the most; my baby should have been celebrated instead of just thrown away. It kills me everyday. 


Everyone tells me to keep moving forwards; but when my body and mind are in the past, how do you move forwards? 

Testing, testing

I haven't written in a few days, I've been feeling pretty down. I've been sleeping most of the day; I'm just exhausted. I did enjoy giving out candy on Halloween, but even by 8:30pm I was exhausted and ready for bed. 

I got a call from the Fertility Clinic today and they have the results from our chromosome testing. Everything turned out normal (yay!) except for my vitamin D3. I have a pretty severe case of vitamin D3 deficiency. So I'm off to Shopper's when hubby gets home to pick up some vitamins. It explains my depression (along with everything else going on of course) and my extreme tiredness. 

I also have a severe UTI at the moment, so I'm back onto antibiotics. Fun times. 

That's about it for an update from me. I'm just trying to get by day by day. 

Bad Day

I'm not having a good day today. I'm very depressed and feeling down. I tried going to to the mall to cheer me up but that didn't work; I just saw babies and strollers everywhere. So no positive post from me today.

However.....two things I'm thankful for today:

-Caesar Salad...I started craving it when I got pregnant and it hasn't gone away. I'm obsessed, and normally I'd much rather have a garden salad or spinach salad!

-My husband. I know I've already said it, but I really wouldn't survive this without him.

Thank you

Just a quick post to thank everyone who has been so supportive throughout this blog adventure. I can't count the number of people who have mentioned it to me, either by text, Facebook or face-to-face. Your support means the world to me. 


I love you all. 


An extra special thank you to my immediate family and best friends, I'd be lost without you. 

Dreams and KD

Two things I'm thankful for: 


-Great dreams


-KD


I didn't make it onto my blog yesterday because I literally slept all day (I don't know if it's the surgery, the depression, the lack of iron or all three but I'm exhausted all the time).  Yesterday I was thankful for great dreams. I had a dream where my whole family was in Cuba enjoying themselves. It was amazing. I woke up and tried to go back to sleep to the same dream, but it didn't happen. Last night I had a dream my best friend and I stayed in New York and had an AWESOME apartment. It was a very exciting and happy dream (it was only temporary though, don't worry hubby). 


Today, I'm making KD. It's one of my favourite things to eat, but I don't eat it often because it's not the healthiest option (let's be honest here). Today however-I'm making it, and I'm going to ENJOY it. 

Stepping Up

People never seem to know how to respond to a miscarriage. I've had people say (unintentional) hurtful things, ignore the whole situation, and be more supportive than I could have possibly imagined. 

I'm disappointed in some friends and extended family. They've pretended I never had a miscarriage; was never pregnant. Maybe they don't know what to say. A simple "I'm sorry, I'm here for you" is more than enough. I would never ignore a death in your family, why are you ignoring mine? It hurts so much. 

On the other hand, I've had other people step up in ways I've never imagined. People I haven't spoken to in years have contacted me. Friends that I only see sometimes have sent flowers and cards. Most of all, people have told me my blog is inspiring to them. That means the most to me. To all those people-thank you. I will never be able to re-pay you but know that you've made a difference in this very difficult time. 

It's times like these you can tell who you can really trust and rely on. 

Laughter

I laughed out loud tonight at something one of my friends said to me online. A genuine, full on laugh. It reminded me that even though the world seems dark and gloomy right now, it WILL get better. Someone always has it worse off then me-I need to keep that in mind. 


Maybe the world isn't so bad after all. 


I'm going to try and write down (or at least think of) at least one positive thing a day. 


Today: Laughter. 

Why is everyone pregnant?

Everyone is pregnant or has a baby/child. It seems so anyways. 


When I go to the mall, all I can see are big round bellies or strollers. Wherever I go I see babies or kids. At first it didn't bother me, but I can't stop thinking how far along I'd be and how I'd be getting a nice round belly too. And feeling those first kicks and movements. 


When will I ever feel "normal" again? I had a hard time seeing preggos and babies after the first miscarriage, but this time is much worse. I don't know why. 


I'm just going to hide in my bedroom and living room. I know hubby won't come in pregnant. 

This weekend

At lot has happened since I've posted last. Saturday morning I woke up with a LOT of bleeding and very large clots. We called Telehealth and they advised us to go to the hospital immediately, so we did. We arrived around ten am. We saw the doctor on call, I had blood work done and an IV put in, and finally the OB on call came to see me. She sent me for an ultrasound and found a very small piece of retained tissue. She gave me a medication called Misoprostol, which causes the uterus to contract and the tissue to be expelled. By the time we got out of the hospital it was after 4pm, and we had plans that night for hubby's birthday. So, I decided to start the Miso on Sunday, and try and enjoy one night out first. I took the first dose at 1am Sunday (right before bed) and the second dose at 1pm. There was a lot of cramping, but that's about it. It didn't work for me. 


So I went and saw my OBGYN/Surgeon yesterday afternoon. He had a copy of the ultrasound and the blood work. The good news: My hormones are still wacky, but not as wacky as they could be. My betas were down to 13, which is good. The bad news: The doctor didn't think the Miso would work again. So I had the choice of "waiting it out" (keeping in mind how small this tissue was and that it may have been already expelled) or going in for another D&C. I chose to wait it out. I think my body has been through enough in the past while. Plus the Dr. couldn't guarantee he would get this small piece of tissue (since going in for a D&C is like going in half blind) plus I already have an infection in my uterus, and another D&C would just make it worse. So that's the story. I feel like I'm on the mend, and that I'm through the worst of it (hopefully). 


I thought once I stopped bleeding and clotting I would immediately feel better, but now I just feel empty. My hope from before is gone. I knew it wouldn't stay. Right now I'm just trying to take care of myself and my body and let my friends and family help out where they can. 

Hope

Today I have hope. I don't know where it came from, but I am praying it stays.  


We met with the Fertility Clinic yesterday and hubby and I are going for chromosomal testing tomorrow, just to make sure everything is OK. We meet with the RE (FC doctor) again in 3 weeks and he should have most of the results by then. If everything checks out OK we will start trying again next cycle. I'm already on the Metformin and will go back onto the Femara (mircale drug!) and Estrace. I can only hope we'll be as lucky as we were last time. 


I'm in more physical pain today; it's hard for me to sit and I have a lot of cramping. The bleeding and clots are hard to see and even harder to deal with, knowing why they are there. It's been a week since my D&C now-a week ago exactly I was just getting out of the hospital and getting McDonald's (hey, Mc D's sounds GREAT when you haven't eaten in more than 12 hours!). 


Even though I feel worse physically, I feel like we have a plan now and that makes me feel positive. 


Please continue to think of us and pray for us....I think all the good energy in the universe will help us. :) 

Frustrated

Today I'm angry. It's been exactly one week since we found out Ike didn't have a heartbeat. I thought I would be sad and upset, but I'm mad. I'm mad at the universe today. I even yelled at some poor lady at A&W because she didn't get my apple juice fast enough. Not a good day.


I went to see my OB/surgeon today and he disgnosed me with an infected uterus, which explains all the pain and (TMI) clots and bleeding. He put me onto some more painkillers and antibiotics and said it should be better by the end of the week, if not, to call him. Nothing is ever easy it seems.


We meet with the Fertility Clinic tonight to discuss our options. I hope we are able to continue on with our quest to have a baby relatively soon. I'll keep you all updated.