3DPO

I've been meaning to write a post for quite a while now, but life always seemed to get in the way. I apologize to those who have been waiting for a new post!


Today I would have been 20 weeks and I've been doing a lot of reflecting and reminiscing. I would have been halfway through my pregnancy. Yet everything is different now. Although I still have my bad days (yesterday was one, I spent most of the day in bed) I feel a sense of hope too. I know we will have a child eventually, whether it's through myself, a surrogate or adoption; I feel like we were meant to be parents. I just really, really hope I never have to go through another miscarriage; I don't think I'm strong enough for that.


I'm now 3DPO (days past ovulation) and I'm in the anxious 2WW wait. I took my Femara and produced one large follicle (2.7 when last measured) but I wasn't ovulating on my own. So I had to get the trigger shot. Not fun. For those who don't know, it's a shot into your belly (just below your bellybutton) that triggers you to ovulate. I got the shot last Saturday morning and believe I ovulated late Sunday night (based on the pain and cramping). The annoying thing about the trigger shot is that it contains hCG (pregnancy hormone) so if I test to see if I am pregnant I'll get a false positive. That means I have to wait until next Saturday (if AF doesn't come first) to go in for a pregnancy test (blood test). Since every body is different, they don't know for sure when the hCG will leave my body, therefore I can't be sure if I have a true positive pregnancy test or not. If you know me in person, I'm not the most patient person in the world, and waiting for either AF or a pregnancy test is BRUTAL for me!


I don't feel this is our cycle. Too many things have happened. I've had a UTI, Hubby and I both had to get treated (again) for Ureaplasma infections, I found out I have a slow thyroid and was put on medication.....and that's just a few things going on right now. Even though I got a large follicle and ovulated, it just doesn't feel right. I'm OK with that though, it's only our first cycle trying after the D&C. I would love to be pregnant for Christmas-most people have no idea how hard it is for people TTC through the holidays; there are children and babies everywhere. If I'm not pregnant though, I'm going to do my best to work through it and concentrate on the next cycle. It's just exhausting, going to the FC every other day......but I am thankful have been able to get pregnant in the first place. 


For those who are praying for us and keeping their fingers crossed, please continue to do so. I feel supported by my amazing husband, family and friends, and for that I am truly grateful. 

Femara and Follies

I'm back at the Fertility Clinic. I started Femara on CD3 and went in for an ultrasound and blood work yesterday. I have a bunch of follicles growing, the two biggest being 1.2 and 1.4 on my right side. I go for another ultrasound and more blood work tomorrow, so we'll see how much they've grown. I'm hoping to O this weekend; that would be awesome. The RE raised my Femara from 5mg to 7.5mg and I've noticed a lot of aching and pain in my ovaries. Hopefully that means I'll get at least one good egg. I'll update after my u/s and b/w tomorrow. 


I'm still working through things with my therapist. I wrote a letter to Ike today and had a good long cry. I would have been 19 weeks today. I didn't realize how angry I still am. I do feel "cleansed" (for lack of a better word) after writing to Ike. I'm going to put the letter away with the rest of the baby stuff we have (I keep receiving things I signed up for, like free formula and coupons, *sigh*). I hope someday soon we'll be able to open the box with my maternity clothes, our coupons/free stuff, and the teddy bear my Mom bought for Ike. 


I keep telling myself we'll get to open that box again. Eventually. 

Thoughts and Feelings

It's been a while since I've posted. I've felt all sorts of emotions in the last week-sadness, despair, frustration, anger, and even happiness and joy. I started therapy yesterday and my therapist helped me realize I'm much too hard on myself and that I need "let go" of my baby "schedule" and just go with the flow. I always wanted to be pregnant by the time I was 25; even if we got pregnant today I would miss that "milestone". I think I'm OK with that now. I realize that all I really need and want is a healthy baby. 


I also need to let go of my anger towards my body for the miscarriage. I don't believe in "it wasn't the right time"....I think that's bull. However, I need to accept that my body just wasn't ready for that baby then. I know it's going to take a while to overcome that hurdle and way of thinking, but I'm going to work on it. 


Physically, I got my AF, which is AWESOME. I feel almost back to "normal". I go into the Fertility Clinic tomorrow to start my cycle monitoring (an ultrasound and blood work) and although I'm frustrated to be back at square one, I'm happy I have the chance to start again. Waiting for AF to arrive was brutal-I felt like I was in limbo. 


I keep thinking about Christmas and how much I would have enjoyed it being pregnant. I'm not a drinker to begin with, so having a glass of wine isn't really a good substitute. However I'm trying to look forward to seeing family; good food and lots of love. I've realized in the last month how lucky I truly am. I have an amazing husband, awesome family and friends and even people I hardly know have stepped up and offered support and their love. I couldn't ask for more.


We will get through this. And it will make us stronger in the end, I truly believe that. DH and I have been through a lot in our time together and everything has made us stronger as a couple, and brought us closer together. I would give almost anything to have Ike back, but since I can't, I can appreciate the joy I felt when I was pregnant and hope that it happens again soon. In the meantime, I'll be spending time with my awesome support network. 

17 Weeks

Today I would have been 17 weeks. I would have a big, growing belly and I'd be SO happy. 


Instead I'm meeting with the Fertility Clinic tonight to discuss our options for my next cycle and to have a Pap. I'm sitting here crying instead of being out enjoying life and my pregnancy. 


Sometimes life just sucks. 

Angel Baby Poem

A poem I came across online: 


To the baby that I carried
But never seen your eyes
Or tell you how much I loved you
Or ever to hear your cries.

You will never be forgotten
The excitement we had for your coming.
When I realized I'd never hold you,
The feeling I had was numbing.
My angel baby is who you are.
My angel baby you'll always be.
Your loving memory will live in my heart
So you will always be right here with me.

-Lori Jager 

Quick Update

Just a quick update. 


I had an ultrasound and blood work done on Friday to find out if all the retained tissue is gone and to make sure my betas are back to zero. I should (hopefully) get the results tomorrow (Monday). I'll post when I get the results. 


Tomorrow I have an appointment with my GP to discuss how things are going and to talk about getting tested for blood clotting disorders. I also have to go to my Fertility Clinic to get swabbed (oh yay) for bacteria in my uterus/cervix. Before my first miscarriage hubby and I were both treated for a very common bacteria that can be passed back and forth and the clinic wants to make sure it is really gone/treated. It can cause miscarriages so it's important that we don't have it. 


I spent the weekend sleeping, this lack of vitamin D3 is brutal. I'm exhausted all the time. I hope the extra vitamins kick in soon. 


That's about it for me. Not a very inspiring post, but I'll work on one in the next couple days. 

3 weeks

Three weeks ago I had surgery and lost my baby. 


I thought this grieving process would get easier, but it's getting harder and harder. I keep wishing I could have said "goodbye" and  "I love you". I wish I could have had a funeral and buried my baby instead of just having it taken away from me at the hospital. I struggle with those thoughts the most; my baby should have been celebrated instead of just thrown away. It kills me everyday. 


Everyone tells me to keep moving forwards; but when my body and mind are in the past, how do you move forwards? 

Testing, testing

I haven't written in a few days, I've been feeling pretty down. I've been sleeping most of the day; I'm just exhausted. I did enjoy giving out candy on Halloween, but even by 8:30pm I was exhausted and ready for bed. 

I got a call from the Fertility Clinic today and they have the results from our chromosome testing. Everything turned out normal (yay!) except for my vitamin D3. I have a pretty severe case of vitamin D3 deficiency. So I'm off to Shopper's when hubby gets home to pick up some vitamins. It explains my depression (along with everything else going on of course) and my extreme tiredness. 

I also have a severe UTI at the moment, so I'm back onto antibiotics. Fun times. 

That's about it for an update from me. I'm just trying to get by day by day.