It's been a while since I've posted. I've felt all sorts of emotions in the last week-sadness, despair, frustration, anger, and even happiness and joy. I started therapy yesterday and my therapist helped me realize I'm much too hard on myself and that I need "let go" of my baby "schedule" and just go with the flow. I always wanted to be pregnant by the time I was 25; even if we got pregnant today I would miss that "milestone". I think I'm OK with that now. I realize that all I really need and want is a healthy baby.
I also need to let go of my anger towards my body for the miscarriage. I don't believe in "it wasn't the right time"....I think that's bull. However, I need to accept that my body just wasn't ready for that baby then. I know it's going to take a while to overcome that hurdle and way of thinking, but I'm going to work on it.
Physically, I got my AF, which is AWESOME. I feel almost back to "normal". I go into the Fertility Clinic tomorrow to start my cycle monitoring (an ultrasound and blood work) and although I'm frustrated to be back at square one, I'm happy I have the chance to start again. Waiting for AF to arrive was brutal-I felt like I was in limbo.
I keep thinking about Christmas and how much I would have enjoyed it being pregnant. I'm not a drinker to begin with, so having a glass of wine isn't really a good substitute. However I'm trying to look forward to seeing family; good food and lots of love. I've realized in the last month how lucky I truly am. I have an amazing husband, awesome family and friends and even people I hardly know have stepped up and offered support and their love. I couldn't ask for more.
We will get through this. And it will make us stronger in the end, I truly believe that. DH and I have been through a lot in our time together and everything has made us stronger as a couple, and brought us closer together. I would give almost anything to have Ike back, but since I can't, I can appreciate the joy I felt when I was pregnant and hope that it happens again soon. In the meantime, I'll be spending time with my awesome support network.
You are healing and moving towards acceptance honey. This is the most positive I have seen you in a long time.
ReplyDeleteIt has been a long, hard road for all of us who loved you both and Ike even though we never got to meet him/her, I believe stongly there are happiier times ahead with you,Chris you family and yes, a little baby.
Time and patience honey...Yes it is a hard one to learn and an even harder one to live but you are very strong.
You know that we are always here for you!