It's been a while since I've posted. I've felt all sorts of emotions in the last week-sadness, despair, frustration, anger, and even happiness and joy. I started therapy yesterday and my therapist helped me realize I'm much too hard on myself and that I need "let go" of my baby "schedule" and just go with the flow. I always wanted to be pregnant by the time I was 25; even if we got pregnant today I would miss that "milestone". I think I'm OK with that now. I realize that all I really need and want is a healthy baby.
I also need to let go of my anger towards my body for the miscarriage. I don't believe in "it wasn't the right time"....I think that's bull. However, I need to accept that my body just wasn't ready for that baby then. I know it's going to take a while to overcome that hurdle and way of thinking, but I'm going to work on it.
Physically, I got my AF, which is AWESOME. I feel almost back to "normal". I go into the Fertility Clinic tomorrow to start my cycle monitoring (an ultrasound and blood work) and although I'm frustrated to be back at square one, I'm happy I have the chance to start again. Waiting for AF to arrive was brutal-I felt like I was in limbo.
I keep thinking about Christmas and how much I would have enjoyed it being pregnant. I'm not a drinker to begin with, so having a glass of wine isn't really a good substitute. However I'm trying to look forward to seeing family; good food and lots of love. I've realized in the last month how lucky I truly am. I have an amazing husband, awesome family and friends and even people I hardly know have stepped up and offered support and their love. I couldn't ask for more.
We will get through this. And it will make us stronger in the end, I truly believe that. DH and I have been through a lot in our time together and everything has made us stronger as a couple, and brought us closer together. I would give almost anything to have Ike back, but since I can't, I can appreciate the joy I felt when I was pregnant and hope that it happens again soon. In the meantime, I'll be spending time with my awesome support network.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
17 Weeks
Today I would have been 17 weeks. I would have a big, growing belly and I'd be SO happy.
Instead I'm meeting with the Fertility Clinic tonight to discuss our options for my next cycle and to have a Pap. I'm sitting here crying instead of being out enjoying life and my pregnancy.
Sometimes life just sucks.
Instead I'm meeting with the Fertility Clinic tonight to discuss our options for my next cycle and to have a Pap. I'm sitting here crying instead of being out enjoying life and my pregnancy.
Sometimes life just sucks.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Angel Baby Poem
A poem I came across online:
To the baby that I carried
But never seen your eyes
Or tell you how much I loved you
Or ever to hear your cries.
You will never be forgotten
The excitement we had for your coming.
When I realized I'd never hold you,
The feeling I had was numbing.
My angel baby is who you are.
My angel baby you'll always be.
Your loving memory will live in my heart
So you will always be right here with me.
-Lori Jager
Quick Update
Just a quick update.
I had an ultrasound and blood work done on Friday to find out if all the retained tissue is gone and to make sure my betas are back to zero. I should (hopefully) get the results tomorrow (Monday). I'll post when I get the results.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my GP to discuss how things are going and to talk about getting tested for blood clotting disorders. I also have to go to my Fertility Clinic to get swabbed (oh yay) for bacteria in my uterus/cervix. Before my first miscarriage hubby and I were both treated for a very common bacteria that can be passed back and forth and the clinic wants to make sure it is really gone/treated. It can cause miscarriages so it's important that we don't have it.
I spent the weekend sleeping, this lack of vitamin D3 is brutal. I'm exhausted all the time. I hope the extra vitamins kick in soon.
That's about it for me. Not a very inspiring post, but I'll work on one in the next couple days.
I had an ultrasound and blood work done on Friday to find out if all the retained tissue is gone and to make sure my betas are back to zero. I should (hopefully) get the results tomorrow (Monday). I'll post when I get the results.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my GP to discuss how things are going and to talk about getting tested for blood clotting disorders. I also have to go to my Fertility Clinic to get swabbed (oh yay) for bacteria in my uterus/cervix. Before my first miscarriage hubby and I were both treated for a very common bacteria that can be passed back and forth and the clinic wants to make sure it is really gone/treated. It can cause miscarriages so it's important that we don't have it.
I spent the weekend sleeping, this lack of vitamin D3 is brutal. I'm exhausted all the time. I hope the extra vitamins kick in soon.
That's about it for me. Not a very inspiring post, but I'll work on one in the next couple days.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
3 weeks
Three weeks ago I had surgery and lost my baby.
I thought this grieving process would get easier, but it's getting harder and harder. I keep wishing I could have said "goodbye" and "I love you". I wish I could have had a funeral and buried my baby instead of just having it taken away from me at the hospital. I struggle with those thoughts the most; my baby should have been celebrated instead of just thrown away. It kills me everyday.
Everyone tells me to keep moving forwards; but when my body and mind are in the past, how do you move forwards?
I thought this grieving process would get easier, but it's getting harder and harder. I keep wishing I could have said "goodbye" and "I love you". I wish I could have had a funeral and buried my baby instead of just having it taken away from me at the hospital. I struggle with those thoughts the most; my baby should have been celebrated instead of just thrown away. It kills me everyday.
Everyone tells me to keep moving forwards; but when my body and mind are in the past, how do you move forwards?
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